She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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