careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
