i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
