I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He shit in the fireplace
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