The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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