Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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