i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
