in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You smell like stripper and shame
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
