I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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