College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
