i already hear my dad disowning me
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
