Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
