The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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