Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
