Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
