I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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