my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
