That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
