Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
