Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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