It's like God shit irony all over that family
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
