ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
