On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
