the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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