Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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