I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
