your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
