i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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