You were right. It hurts to walk today.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
