Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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