Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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