can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
