somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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