Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
