I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
