Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
