awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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