I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
