OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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