i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
