i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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