so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
