I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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