Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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