I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she woke up with a sticky ear
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
