OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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