I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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