I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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