So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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