you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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