And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
