my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
