Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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