just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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