ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
