I'm gonna have a badass scar
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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